Forgiveness is a two-way street. Approaching from one side is someone seeking forgiveness and coming from the other side is someone with the will and the ability to forgive. The one seeking forgiveness acknowledges that something wrong has been done—and the other offers a pardon, which means no “punishment” is suffered for the wrong.
In religious contexts, the seeker of forgiveness is the person who has in some form—in thought, word or deed—fallen short of the ideal and is feeling guilty and remorseful about it. The one to offer the pardon is God—and the forgiveness is sought through a number of ways such as prayer and worship.
The prayer may be personal, done silently or through words that spring straight from the heart. There is also a class of prayer-hymns specifically meant for seeking forgiveness for one’s transgressions (aparādha-kṣamāpaṇa-stotra). Sometimes specific rituals (called prāyaścitta-karma) are prescribed in ancient books to neutralize the potential suffering from transgressions. Not every transgression can be neutralized, of course. In the Roman Catholic tradition, the practice of confession offers a way to come clean and the priest is authorized to prescribe purificatory rituals and to offer absolution.
The faithful believe that such practices lead to forgiveness that comes directly or indirectly from God. No one knows for sure if God’s forgiveness exempts the person from suffering or merely gives the person the strength to bear it well. Our understanding of divine forgiveness depends on how we view God, our own selves, and the purpose of life. It feels natural for the perpetrators to seek pardon to avoid the painful consequences of their actions with the hope and faith that the concern for justice will not come in the way of God’s love and compassion.
To forgive or not to forgive as a personal dilemma occurs for those who are affected or offended by the words or actions of others. It is not uncommon to find people resisting the idea of forgiving someone who has hurt them in some way. In many cases the perpetrator is not even seeking forgiveness, sometimes not even aware that forgiveness is being withheld, or couldn’t care less even if it was known. In such cases, the decision to not forgive becomes something of a head-scratcher.
When we refuse to forgive others, we bottle up resentment, anger, even hatred, for them. This doesn’t hurt them, it hurts us. Forgiving them may not help them, but it certainly helps us free ourselves from all those negative feelings. If we are hellbent upon extracting revenge (never a good idea), then we should try something else, because not forgiving is not a viable option. In fact, forgiving others itself can be a subtle and sweet form of “revenge,” if we remember Oscar Wilde’s wise quip: “Always forgive your enemies—nothing annoys them so much.”
If we believe in the law of karma, there is even less reason to withhold forgiving others. The law of karma always does its job irrespective of what you and I think. We cannot override karma. We cannot modify anyone’s karma, only God can do that. My decision to forgive someone doesn’t change in any way what’s due to them. But the act of forgiveness frees me and I can move on with my life. The more I am held back, the heavier the burden gets and the darker my life becomes.
Some are concerned that forgiving others would legitimize their evil actions and encourage them to continue doing them. This is difficult to accept. Forgiveness is not necessary if the actions are acceptable or legitimate. The very act of forgiveness implies that the action was wrong and illegitimate (at least in the forgiver’s mind if not also in the minds of others). Forgiving someone doesn’t necessarily include a legal pardon. It’s possible for the wrongdoers to face the legal and social consequences for what they did to me, but I can be free from the feeling of personal hurt and anger by forgiving them. Forgiving often ends up being an act of compassion toward oneself rather than for those being forgiven.
There are a lot of variables involved in matters related to forgiveness—and I am sure I haven’t addressed them all in this short reflection. But these are the ideas that are uppermost in my mind at present when I think about forgiveness.